Guest Post by Annoyed Army Wife! What I Want To Hear…
So a while back I took a look through the blogs I read regularly and realized I have quite a few blogs I read that talk about a struggle with infertility. I don’t know how that ended up that way, but I figured I maybe had something to learn.
I clearly know nothing about the subject. In fact, the more I read the more I started to just feel overall BAD about the hurts and struggles I’ve had coping with my unplanned pregnancies. For a few days I considered taking down or re-writing all the stories about my children to somehow make them less hurtful for those struggling to concieve.
The I realized that wasen’t the answer either. I can’t change who I am or how very different my struggles have been from those of somone dealing with infirtility. But as someone who regularly and with gusto manages to put my foot in my mouth, I could make an effort to learn what kinds of things I could do to offer support.
So I asked the annoyed army wife if she would consider writing me a guest post about what the ‘right’ things to say are to someone struggling to concieve. And she did! I am very grateful for her insight and willingness to share some of what helps and hurts her in her journey. So check it out! And when you’re done, click on over to read more of the annoyed army wife. She’s not always annoyed, but she is hilarious and awesome!
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What I Want To Hear…
Or how to support a friend struggling with infertility. Kim asked me to write a guest post on ways to help/support a friend going through infertility. Like 3 weeks ago. Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it, and it’s kind of a hard topic. I know there are a lot of ‘What NOT to Say to an Infertile’ posts, but sometimes those come off kind of rude and mean. I truly believe people aren’t trying to say hurtful things when dealing with infertility, and that they just don’t know the right thing to say. Honestly, I’m not sure there is a right thing to say, but I’m going to tell you what I want to hear.
I’m the annoyed army wife, and I started blogging to meet other MilSpouses. Now, it seems, I am blogging to reach out to the infertility community. Two years ago when my husband, OccDoc, and I decided it was time to start trying to expand our family we never in a million years thought it would turn out like this. We were/are married, he was done with medical residency, we had a spacious house, we were financial independent and stable, OccDoc’s job was enough to support both of us and then some, and his job was very stable (he’s an active duty soldier – one job that isn’t experiencing layoffs). We waited until exactly the right moment, we were responsible and ready, but life had different plans. So, two years, no positive pregnancy tests, a few infertility treatments later we find ourselves here childless in a big house spending money at the reproductive endocrinologist’s office instead of the Baby Gap. I’ve only told a handful of people in real life about our situation to limit the amount of hurt that comes my way, but that’s not working out so hot.
Every time someone, it could be anyone, asks if/when we’re going to start having kids I feel like it’s a personal attack. Now, I know it’s not, but that question just stings so much. Um, I wish I knew the answer to that question. Usually my response to that question is a lie, I say ‘When OccDoc’s out of the army’. It’s easier to lie then to admit the truth. Because the few times I have told the truth I get the same few responses: ‘Oh, you just need to relax’ or ‘my cousin’s hairdresser’s sister tried this concoction of bee snot and cat whiskers and she got pregnant’ or ‘Just have more sex’. Hmm…not exactly the support I would have hoped for. The definition of infertile is a couple who has tried to get pregnant for a year (depending on the woman’s age) and has been unsuccessful. It takes the average couple 6 months to conceive. Average. This was one area we desperately wished to be average. If it takes over a year something physiological might be wrong and it’s time to see a doctor. That’s what we did and we found out that, yes, there is something physiologically wrong, and, no, relaxing and sex won’t fix it.
Okay, on to the substance of this post, I would like my friends and family to be more supportive, but they just don’t know how. If I mention that OccDoc and I are having a rough time getting pregnant I don’t want a solution, I just want my feelings validated. I get enough ‘solution’ suggestions from my doctor and I don’t need Joe Schmoe’s suggestions, too. If a friend tells you she is having trouble getting pregnant here are a couple of things you can say:
I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine how that feels. If you have kids or are pregnant or just have no idea how much infertility hurts this would be an appropriate response. Resist the urge to offer a solution or to minimize her feelings.
I didn’t realize, is there anything I can do to support you? Again, being supportive but not wanting to inadvertently hurt feelings this would be a good response. Maybe your friend just wants someone to vent to or maybe she does want some advice, but leave that up to her.
Some things that aren’t so helpful are the comments like ‘just relax’. By telling me to just relax you are, maybe inadvertently, implying that I am doing something wrong and not getting pregnant is my fault. Which in most cases of infertiles, it’s not. Also, telling me ‘not to worry about it’ minimizes my very strong, very painful emotions. It would be like telling someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one to stop worrying about it. Yes, the feelings surrounding infertility are that strong.
The main point I’m trying to make is that I don’t know what the right way to support a friend going through infertility is, everyone is different. Sometimes it’s just better to ask what kind of support they want or need you to give. Hopefully, I’ve opened some eyes and didn’t step on too many toes.
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annoyed army wife | 1st Aug 11
Thanks for hosting me!
Chelsea | 1st Aug 11
Thanks for the tips. I think that both the response's you used "I am sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how that feels." and "I didn't realize, is there anything I can do to support you" are both things that people can say for many other situations.
People want to help so bad and they don't realize what they say isn't helpful it can be hurtful. I wish more people would stop offering solutions and simply give a listening ear.
Stephanie | 2nd Aug 11
Thanks so much for this post. I'm sorry for what you're going through…I know how dispiriting, frustrating and sad it can all be. I've also been dealing with conception woes over the past year, with a miscarriage and then just month after month of negative tests. I just hate when people tell me that I should have children while I'm still young. I'm TRYING. It's just not working out the way that I'd hoped it would. I've started just saying "I'm working on it, but it's not as easy as I'd thought!" and that pretty much ends the conversation.
RetroRocketGal | 13th Aug 11
Late to the discussion, just found your blog. Read this great list (Paraplegic vs Infertile: http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=687307)
I once struggled with infertility and got so tired of all the dopey personal comments and questions. That list on that post is great!
My advice would be to keep doing all you possibly can to achieve a pregnancy — then you will at least have peace knowing you did all you could.
I almost gave up, but am glad I didn't, as I finally had two biological children of my own. (Not saying adoption is inferior, of course, just that you should try everything you possibly can to achieve a pregnancy.)
Taylor | 31st Oct 12
This article was very enlightening. Thanks for sharing.