The peace and quiet would be nice if he wasn’t so sick…
Some days you feel like a good mom.
Lunches are made, homework is done, kids are bathed and in bed on time and it feels not only like you got everything done, but like you know them. You connected with each other them. You feel like you have accomplished what God had planned for you in their lives.
And then there is, well, the other 363 or so days a year.
Or maybe, that’s just me.
But then you have other nights where you are scrambling to throw together remotely nutritious lunches they probably won’t eat anyways, realizing at 10pm you never asked about homework and can’t remember the last time they all had a bath. You feel disconnected with them and at a complete loss as to what it is you are supposed to be doing in their lives.
There are lots of those days. At least, for me.
And then, there are days like I had this week.
Sitting in the emergency room at a rural hospital near my house, rubbing my dehydrated and flu-ish Monster’s back when I realize I can feel his spine distinctly through his shirt.
And I think ‘has that always felt like that?’
And lifting the shirt of his fevered little back I see that he’s like…. fuzzy hairy. And I think “did he always have this much hair on him?”
And I look at his ribs and think ‘how much skinnier is he than usual right now?’
I can tell them he weighed 12kg at his last trip to emergency last week, but before that? I stopped weighing my kids a while ago. I don’t really know. Am I supposed to?
And as he’s throwing up for the 12th time in 2 hours and the doctors go on to plan C to get him to keep some fluid down, I start feeling like more than just a ragged mom who lost track of school agendas and hot lunch schedules.
I feel like I have completely lost track of knowing my child. And here he is, dehydrated and exhausted and scary looking and I can’t answer simple questions about when his last time on the toilet was.
Am I supposed to still know that sort of thing? He goes all by himself….
Now, this isn’t the first time I’ve had this feeling. Doing Monster’s paperwork for his special needs assessments at school, they ask a lot of questions I don’t have answers for.
Does everyone know the date each of their kids took their first step, or starting sitting up on their own, or first ate solid foods? The month they started using full sentences or how many words they knew at what age?
Monster is a 3rd child. He is 4 years old. I recently finished putting together his first year scrapbook. (And no, none of that info is in it. It’s mostly just photos we eventually remembered to take).
And while I refuse to feel bad that I don’t keep every craft he’s made, or the fact that someone gave us a hand-print keeper for the first 5 years and we just did the 3 year old one last month….
Sitting, holding my pathetic, dry-heaving baby and wondering when he got that freckle on his lip has given me a chance to re-evaluate my priorities.
I spend a lot of time on paperwork and workshops and appointments for Monster. But I am clearly not spending enough time just being with him.
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reccewife
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23 COMMENTS
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Singitloud | 1st Mar 12
You aren't the only one out there. Although you maybe that only one HONEST enough to put it in print. Not knowing all stuff just shows that you are raising your kids to be independent and not rely on their parents for everything. As for the physical features they change regularly so if did know you would be consider an over protective parent who takes inventory on their child's bodies. Weird but true. Now go and be the super mom you know you are.
Corry-lyn O'hara-warman | 1st Mar 12
You are soooo not the only one!!! Glad he's on the mend! Thanks for your honesty, makes the rest of us feel human too!
Our Little Fam | 1st Mar 12
You are a good momma! I have my moments when I feel like that, too. Hope little man feels better soon 🙁
Sheila | 1st Mar 12
Oh my Kim – I wish sometimes you were the only one – but I too have had many night explaining to my youngest of 4 that she really wass not adopted and I really intended to do a baby book and take more pics, but time got away from me. I feel like a horrible failure as a mother somedays. When they are sick, you think you should be able to diagnose and cure and if not, at the very least know exactly when to take them to emerge, so as not to waste everyone's valuable time. I have to say – I have learned a lot through your blog, first and foremost although create in his we are not nor never will be perfect and that faith and prayer can get you through anything.
Corrie | 1st Mar 12
You are not the only one by far. I only have one child so far and I still look at her and go when did she get that bump? When did she start doing that? Three is much more to keep track of. Praying for you all and that he gets better soon 🙂
Mel_annamorrison | 1st Mar 12
Kim, EVERY TIME you blog I realte to your story and am thankful you have the guts to say it out loud! Your blogs not only inspire me they remind me that although I am not the soccer mom I see in others my parentng and opinions and struggles are normal( at least to you) and I look forward to every new blog you write. Thank you and don't stop or I will start to think maybe I am the only one. Love Mel P.S. When the doctor ask me the last Carly pooped and how often I had no idea..
Daddy's in Charge? | 1st Mar 12
I have no idea how much my kids weigh, I can still carry them though, and I have no idea how tall they are. They have always seemed little. I used to collect things like school projects and all the milestones, but there are just too many. If we start to worry about collecting so many things from their past we'll forget about the present. This was a GREAT post!
Tamarah | 1st Mar 12
This blog has a tone of vulnerability and a great deal of honesty. I appreciate you sharing what's on your heart & am praying for a speedy recovery. <3 Also this scripture came to mind. ~1 Peter 5:6,7 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time. Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.~
Andrea Ward | 1st Mar 12
I only have one and sometimes forget how long it has been since a diaper change. My general rule is when I start smelling him I change it. I forget to comb his hair and can't get him to put on new coats. You are so NOT the only one.
Chris | 2nd Mar 12
Nope, your normal, just like the rest of us! Nothing makes you feel more guilty than when your child is very sick and there is nothing you can do about it. Cameron was that sick at 18 months and had to be hospitalized for an IV. Never felt so damn helpless in all my life.
claybaboons | 2nd Mar 12
I'm so sorry your little guy is sick. That picture breaks my heart. 🙁
Corrine | 2nd Mar 12
Oh Kim! I can definitely relate with you! Please rest assured that you are a good momma! The fact that you wrote this post, and shared your heart with everyone about this shows me that you love your kids dearly. If you didn't most of these thoughts wouldn't have even crossed your mind! And you also realized you want to re-prioritize, and WE ALL need that reminder when leading such a busy life! We all need the reminder to slow down and enjoy the small moments, while the other stuff waits. Or at least I know I need that reminder often!
But hey, how about having your kiddo in the hospital and getting in all sorts of trouble for not having your chronically ill child wearing a medic-alert bracelet. (How did I NOT know he needed one?) Only to go on with our everyday life (and all the work and stress that comes with it) take same child to another specialist appointment a few months later, only to get in trouble from a new doc that 'little' STILL didn't have the medic-alert (How could I FORGET?!) Thats when I realized my life had gotten too busy…
And I also relate with how scary it is when the tiny ones get sick. Tyson is also 24 lbs (but 3 yrs) and we have been in the same position of not having ANY extra weight to loose, especially because he could have to go in for another heart surgery at a moments notice and it's guaranteed that the surgery alone will make him loose weight. Tyson's weight has always been an ongoing issue. I actually thought about your kiddos the other day, we had an allergist appt and I was thinking of asking Ty's doc for a note about his weight so I didn't have to go through hearing about it AGAIN! I want to SCREAM "People, there is NOTHING we haven't tried for his weight, and this is just how he is!"
Keep sharing your heart, and remember to take the time to slow down just for the purpose of enjoying and knowing your sweet kiddos. Something that I'm working on too!
<3 Corrine
RecceWife | 3rd Mar 12
Thanks! You sure know how to make a girl feel better 🙂
RecceWife | 3rd Mar 12
Thanks Corry-lyn!
RecceWife | 3rd Mar 12
Hahahaha, not adopted… hmm… if I told him he was could I get out of making the baby book….. 😉
RecceWife | 3rd Mar 12
Thanks Corrie!
RecceWife | 3rd Mar 12
Next your going to try and tell me the huge jar of laxitive from walmart was for her and not you….. Oh, you were telling the truth, it was? Huh. Ya, I totally believed you…… ;0
RecceWife | 3rd Mar 12
So good to hear, Andrea, thank you!
RecceWife | 3rd Mar 12
I hate feeling helpless! I like to FIX!
RecceWife | 3rd Mar 12
Awe, thanks girl! He's really doing 100% better now!
RecceWife | 3rd Mar 12
You're such an amazing girl, Miss Corrine! Thanks!
Erika Perez | 4th Mar 12
I hope he's feeling better soon! The biggest reason I know so many of those things (apart from Millie being an only child, which makes it so much easier!) is that I do write them all down. If I didn't write every little thing down, I'd be completely lost. I have a horrible memory!
The New "Normal" | 7th Mar 12
You are definitely not the only one! There are many times where I have felt like this and I have to take a step back, slow down and remember to "know" my children. Life gets so busy these days with all their activities and the things that they need, that it's hard at times to really spend that quality time with them. I've started trying to cut back on the things that we do, so we can just be together. It's hard.
You are an awesome mom and it's obvious how much you love and care for your children! They won't remember how many pictures were in their baby book, or whether you remembered the exact date of their first word. But they will remember that their mom loved them and cuddled them when they were sick. I hope he is feeling better now! It's so hard when they don't feel good 🙁