Even If We Tried

Dear America,

Do nations read letters from nobodies? Probably not. But there’s something that today, I wanted you to know.

I am proud to call myself a Canadian. I wouldn’t trade my country for anything.

I am not American. But I hurt with you anyways. For over a decade.

12 years ago, I was a newlywed. Living my life in Northern Alberta until one day after the long bus ride to the depot and walk home after a 9 hour shift at the shelter downtown, I collapsed asleep on my bed just after 8a.m. without changing.

And that’s how September 11th, 2001 found me, after a phone call woke me up less than an hour later, watching the horror of the 2nd tower get hit while still in my nursing scrubs, sitting in my living room on a pile of laundry.

And even though I am not American, not only could I not understand the unspeakableness of what the news was showing me, I acutely aware that this day was going to somehow change my life, here, completely.

I couldn’t reach DH, I didn’t even try. He was in the bush training with a military competition team he was a part of. I wondered if he knew, if he was watching. Would he come home at all? Would reaction be immediate? Was there anything we could do?

Had this been a third world country that was the victim, I have no doubt our Canadian Forces would have mobilized a disaster assistance team to be there as we have done for dozens of countries in need before and since then.

But instead this was arguably the most powerful country in the world we were watching face this attack and the best we could do is say we were there if you needed us.

Canadians took in your diverted planes to our small maritime communities, we set up shelters and housed your displaced people until the all clear was given. Operation Support and Operation Yellow Ribbon were operations by the Canadian Forces and Transport Canada that took place immediately following the attacks to help with air traffic.

Many Canadians volunteered with relief agencies, the Salvation Army, the Red Cross, and others. And they found themselves at Ground Zero in the coming weeks and months. I have personally known some of those volunteers and heard them reminisce of the tragedy and the small triumphs.

Canadians covered the US Embassy in Ottawa with condolences, love, support and prayers.

But on that day I simply sat and grieved. Thousands of kilometers away, I felt sure I might throw up as I watched the horror of desperate victims jumping from the towers. I sobbed alone but with the rest of the nation at the choppy video, the choked up commentators and the uncertainty if this was all that was to come. I was, and still am, so very, very sorry for the immense hurt and sorrow and pain you experienced.

Just so you know, America, here in Canada, my heart broke for you.

All of ours did.

And I choose to believe, whether it’s naive or not, that had the roles been reversed you would have felt the same for us.

My first child wasn’t even a thought yet, though he came to be quickly after. And while now he will, along with his brother and sister, learn about 9/11 at school for all the years to come, it won’t be long before he realizes the depth to which that day shaped his life.

You may not realize it, America, but in some ways, we have held up similar burdens in the decade that followed.

I’m not an American military spouse, I am a Canadian one.

But less than 5 months after the World Trade Centre was attacked, my husband’s boots hit the ground in Kandahar, side by side with American ones. And they would be back again. And again.

The events of 9/11 have meant my family has said ‘see you later’ for 3 tours of duty in Afghanistan. Those events meant that my husband joined the ranks of Canadian soldiers who saw war for the first time since Korea.

Those events have meant my husband lost friends, they have meant we found our way through separation, anxiety, reintegration and uncertainty for these past 12 years.

And not once, not once, have we as a family ever felt that he was going to fight America’s war.

He was fighting our war. For all of us.

I may not be American, but the tragedy of 12 years ago today has completely and totally shaped my family’s life for over a decade.

12 years ago we promised, as a country, as your allies and your friends, to help.

And while some days it hurts that there are so many of your people who don’t even know the sacrifice our country made to live up to that promise, I am so very proud that we have.

The magnitude of your loss was increadible, and one that we who were not there could never comprehend.

I am just one Canadian, but I want you to know that so very many of us stand with you today as you remember.

We have not forgotten. While you might not realize it, it is so much a part of us we couldn’t even if we tried.

With love,

Kim

A Canadian

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