Sure. Let’s Go There. Military spouses and rank

So yesterday, I got a DM on Twitter.  And I thought  ‘Oh great, someone else has seen that picture of me…’

But, no, in fact this was not spam, it was someone with a question.

They wanted to know Dh’s rank before they followed me.

Um….

So we’re gonna go ahead and go there, friends!

What I’ve learned about Rank

1. If you’re not in the military, you don’t have one.

Most important of all the points.  
I am not in the military.
I don’t have a rank.
And as amusing as this little piece is, it’s satire.  No one is giving me a rank any time soon.

That’s OK by me.  Let’s say it together, friends.

I’m not in the military.
I don’t have a rank.

Excellent.

2. Ranks Have a Purpose.

Rank is not some arbitrary annoying rule put together by the military to make your life more difficult.

When soldiers are in battle, there needs to be Leaders.
Those leaders need to make objective, life and death commands quickly.
That is profoundly harder if you are good friends with those who you are Commanding.

And that is the purpose of Rank.

It might be awkward for two people to be friends socially if one is above the other in a direct Chain of Command.

It’s hard to maintain a friendship with your boss.  It’s done, don’t get me wrong.  People do it.  But it can be difficult to be best friends with your direct superior.  Separating work and friendships can be tough.
And that’s OK.  

But for non-military people reading, the military is a big place.  If the individual of a higher rank is not a part of your unit, he or she is not your direct superior.  So although at work, depending on their rank you may have to salute, or address him or her as Sir or Ma’am, it’s much easier to maintain a social friendship, and less awkward to see each other outside of your workplace when that person is not directly in charge of you, writing your evaluations and giving you orders.

And since I’m not in the military, that’s all I’m going to share on that.  Because I’m going on what others tell me.
I don’t work for the Department of National Defense so I’m good.

3. As a Spouse, if You Follow the Golden Rule, None of This Matters.

A while back I addressed that the most common blogging question I am emailed is ‘What do you write or not write to keep your Dh out of trouble?’

And my answer was – this is the wrong question.

The right question is: am I portraying my Spouse in the best possible light, regardless of who is reading?

When I write about Dh, I write in a way that, if the roles were reversed and he was writing the same things about me, I wouldn’t be upset.

Let’s put it this way – if you knew your spouse’s Superior was reading your blog, or your facebook page, would you write it differently?
If you would, than change it.  Not because he or she might read it, but because your spouse deserves to be portrayed by the one he loves in a positive way.

I know there have been occasions when my husband’s Commanding Officer, or even the Division General, has read my blog.  While I might have been momentarily concerned he had to read about my tampon incident or that time  my son lit my carpet on fire,  I was not concerned about Dh or his career.
I have always written about him the same way I would speak about him.  The way I’d want him to speak about me.

The same rule applies when dealing with rank.

Over the years, I have learned to fairly accurately ‘read’ the rank on someone’s uniform.  Eventually, this kind of thing rubs off on you.

That being said, if I meet someone, I have very little need to know their rank.
Because, quite honestly, I plan on treating them the same way, regardless.

Why do you as a Spouse need to know their rank when you meet them?
Do you need to know because you are going to be rude, angry or disrespectful to them unless they are above a certain rank?
Do you need to know because you plan on badmouthing your spouse’s Chain of Command to everyone else but his Superiors?

Do you need to know because you think the Colonel’s wife must be a snob, or the Warrant’s wife will be a bitch, or the Corporal’s wife will be uneducated?  Respect is a 2 way street, it’s no more fair to judge the spouse’s of higher ranking members than it is to judge those of lower ranks.

I can’t emphasize enough – if you are kind to everyone and rude to no one, if you don’t speak ill about your husband or his superiors or his subordinates to anyone else….

….then you have no need to know the rank of the people you meet in passing.

And if you go to the party and only plan on being kind to those who you for whatever reason deem ‘more important’…

…then do us all a favor and stay home.

4. One Ass Doesn’t Need to Ruin Your Party

Many, many…sigh….many years ago, when Dh left for his first deployment, he was a Trooper.

Now in the Canadian Armed Forces, being a Trooper means two things:

First, you are the same rank as a Private. Second, you are called a Trooper and NOT a Private because you are in the Armoured Corp.

Now, Dh’s first Deployment was with an Infantry battle group.  It was that Infantry unit that planned the family activities and hosted the Rear Party – the group of soldiers left behind in charge of Family Support.

A few weeks into the Deployment, when I finally got the nerve to go to my first meeting hosted by that Rear Party to find out more about this new war and what my husband was doing in it, I walked in a very timid and nervous, pregnant 20 year old new-to-this-man’s-army spouse.

A young man in charge walked up to me while we were waiting for things to start, and he said
“what’s your husband’s name and rank?”.

And being that I was new and assumed that question was perfectly normal, I told him.

He responded by turning his back to me and talking to someone else.

Because his rank meant that not only was Dh apparently not important enough to warrant this young Lieutenant’s time, but it meant he wasn’t even an Infantry soldier, which was apparently a big deal to him.

I was left mouth open, trembling by the door.  I hid in the back to hear the information being given at the meeting and fled once it was over.  And I didn’t walk back in that building until months later when I was invited by another spouse.

It took desperation, because at this point I had worked so hard at avoiding seeing other military people who might treat me like that, I had no one.  And I was desperately lonely.
But that spouse convinced me and brought me to meet even more spouses.  None of whom ever asked me Dh’s rank again.  Even though one, it turned out, was the Commanding Officer’s wife.
All of whom I relied on completely to get me through the rest of a very hard, long and tiring deployment.

And I learned something.
For some people, the kind of people who judge their own importance by superficial patches and the jobs of their partners, they’re going to ask and they’re going to care.
But you can’t judge a group by the one twat in the corner who’s busy judging you.

If you decide to never, ever associate with other military spouses or couples because someone once or twice or even several times made you feel small because their own insecurities made them act like a huge douche, you will be missing out on all those people who are genuinely worth your time.

Rank is just that – rank.  It’s part of my husband’s job, it is something he earned that has a use at his workplace and nowhere else, and I don’t wear it as my own.  Sometimes it needs to be shared with those you are friends because it just comes up in conversation and helps you explain what he’s doing at work.
But for the most part, it’s a non-issue to those of us without rank.

I might be glossing over this fact because, honestly, it just isn’t really important enough to be addressed.
If you haven’t figured this out, you need to go back and start over.
Your spouses rank has nothing, nothing, to do with your friendships or the rank of your friend’s spouse.

And lets repeat again for good measure…

I am not in the military.
I do not have a rank.

Excellent.

I will say however that this works both ways.
I won’t do, say or act in any way to try and avoid the subject. 
Rank is not the boogie man.  It comes up in conversation and I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t exist.

I’m not going to go out of my way to tell you what my husband’s rank is, mostly because I assume you don’t give a crap.  Why would you?  If you’re not working with him, it doesn’t matter to you in the slightest.

But in the same way, I’m not going to go out of my way not to tell you, either.

I will not be ashamed to call it what it is or pretend he’s something he’s not.  I’m not going to twist my words to try and keep it out of conversation.  I’m not ashamed of him, his job, or any piece of his uniform.  Rank included.

I am exceptionally proud of my husband, who is a very hard working Sergeant in the Canadian Armed Forces Armoured Corp.

I was proud of him when he was a MCpl., I was proud of him when he was a Cpl., and I was proud of him when he was a Trooper.  10 years from now I will be proud of him still.
And when he stops wearing a rank or a uniform, nothing will change that.

And WHO I AM has not changed, even while that patch on his arm has. 

And 3 people who believe their daddy hung the moon, whether he is a Private or a Colonel?

Those 3.  

Rank has a place and a purpose.

A Spouse’s twitter account is very, very positively not one of them.

And let me tell you – even if Dh were a 4 Leaf General, my friend, I would not be any more amusing to follow on Twitter.

Sorry.

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