Why I’m Not Raising Bullies (But Still Can’t Tie A Gi)

The other day I was speaking with a stranger in some random context like I do (it’s like I treat the outside world like the Internet some days) and in the course of conversation, I mentioned that my kids had Mixed Martial Arts class 3 days a week, so sometimes I feel like a hockey mom but with fewer pre-dawn ice times and smaller bags to carry.

And I got a response that I wasn’t expecting because I never really thought about it.

She said:

“Why would you teach your kids to fight?  Aren’t you just raising bullies?”

And I wish that I could tell you I was eloquent and well spoken in my response to this douchy comment.

But what I did was squinch my face up and say ‘Noooo!’ like a 14 year old girl if you ask her if she’s still into the Jonas Brothers.

Normally, this kind of thing wouldn’t bug me.  I mean, why would MMA be any different than soccer or dance class.  It’s just a different sport, one of the many that parents who want their children to learn to be active have to choose from.

And I wouldn’t say one is any better than the other.  It’s all about finding one your kids will enjoy and you will be comfortable taking them to.  If your kid is in dance or hockey or lacross or fencing, you’re teaching them not only a sport, but about life.  That’s how lessons work.

Dh and I, we chose MMA.

We lived in  small town in our last post, so there weren’t a lot of options that didn’t involve having to drive 20 minutes or more to get there.  We didn’t have our children in much outside of church activities, they were young and didn’t mind and it was easier on the budget.

But when we moved, Dh asked me to find a Mixed Martial Arts gym for our oldest.

And the texts back and forth were like

“I found 3 Karate places.  They are nearby and we can afford them!”

“I don’t want Karate.  I want MMA”

More searching.

“MMA is farther to get to.  And it’s way more expensive than just Karate.  Can’t we just do karate?”.


“No.”

More searching


“I found this place that offers Jiu Jutsu and mixed martial arts for kids his age.  It’s not cheap.  And there’s a karate place DOWN THE STREET FROM OUR HOUSE.”


“Text me the MMA place.  I’ll stop in this week and check it out.”

….sigh.

Dh wanted MMA.

So you might assume my husband is a big bully right?  A fighter? A huge jerk?

No, I can attest to the fact that he is not, nor does he own even one single Tap Out or Affliction shirt.

He just believed, correctly, that eventually it was something our whole family was going to be able to enjoy together, making it not just another ‘thing’ but a family event that would teach our kids through activity and example what living an active lifestyle looks like.

He’s so smart sometimes! (Don’t tell him I said that, he’ll get a big head).

So here’s the thing, random stranger who will never read this:

My children are sized 2-4 years younger than their age.

My oldest has been ‘kicked off’ the playground because he was ‘too small’ and told he should go play with the babies.

My youngest would be considered ‘special needs’ though I more just like to think he’s a little different is all.  He wears cowboy boots with shorts, travel pillows as necklaces and he is and probably always will be lacking a little bit in the social skills department.

My little girl, who looks more like a girl than I can describe, is called a boy ALL THE TIME because she hates having her hair done so I cut it all off.  And apparently EVERYONE KNOWS only boys have short hair.

Thankfully, wonderfully, my kids are not ‘average’.  They are different.  

So now you are thinking I take them to MMA so they can defend themselves from the Bullies.

No.


No I don’t.  

Maybe, though I pray it is not the case, one day they will have to defend themselves against someone who wishes to do them harm.  But I’m not trying to arm my kids under the assumption everyone wants to hurt them.

What I am doing, is teaching them many other things through this time at the gym on the mat.

1. It’s Important to Be Healthy

I believe that being active is important.

I belive physical fitness can help maintain an overall healthy person.

I want my children to learn ways they enjoy staying active, so it becomes a habit and not a chore, so they continue when they are older, so it is part of their lifestyle.

I want them to see us as adults doing the same.  Because parenting is not all about words.

I also want them to learn that ‘fit’ doesn’t mean ‘skinny’ and ‘heathy’ has nothing to do with appearance.

No one is judging how the kids or the adults fit their GI, only that they can tie the %$(*% things properly.  I’m glad 2 of them can, because I still can’t. 


2. Kids Come In All Types and Sizes

There are all kinds of kids in their class.  Small kids, big kids, skinny kids, bulkier kids, quiet kids, loud kids and the kid who is busy fighting an invisible super-villain in the corner when he’s supposed to be listening to the lesson (that’s mine).

They are all equal on the mat.  And when they have to put one of them in full guard and end up with one face in the other’s butt while they try and maneuver a new technique, there are no favourites.  Everyone looks the same from the ground when all you can see is their GI and their foot.

*Disclaimer – I’m a runner who takes fitness kickboxing, kettlebells and TRX because it’s good for me.  What I know about actual martial arts is all inside that one paragraph, so lets just pretend it makes sense and be impressed I know words like ‘full guard’.  

When they came home that first week and Freckles pointed out that their instructor was ‘smaller’ than Dh, there was a complete look of shock when his dad said:

“So?  He could still kick my ass!”

My tiny son’s perspective changed, because he learned that being small was not a handicap or an excuse.  It was just a fact. 

3. Not Everything is Fun All The Time.  You still Can’t Quit.

Halfway through this past year, Monster started pitching a fit every time we went to MMA.
“It’s not fuuuuuuuuuuun.  I don’t want to gooooooooooo”.

He still liked the games and the friends.  He still loved his instructor.
He just didn’t want to have to do the work, to learn anything, to sit and be taught.


And guess what?  That’s not how life works.

Slowly he is starting to come around.  Some days he has to sit on the stage so he is not a distraction to other kids learning while new techniques are taught.  That’s OK.
We don’t get to quit things in life just because they are not fun 100% of the time.
We earn  the fun by putting in the work when it’s not fun. 

Go ahead child, tell me how it’s not fair.  I’m OK with that.
Because when the lesson comes around and you put in the work and all of a sudden it is fun again because you know how to do it, I’ll still be here.  And you can play Jiu Jitsu Virus then.

4. Self Control and Discipline are Part of Life.

And I like finding new ways to teach it.

Because we could save gym costs buy just having their dad come home from work and spend 45 min yelling drill at them.

But I don’t think having “aboouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut turn” barked in their face every day as children is going to foster the same over-all environment of positive life lessons.

But learning about respecting their peers, their gym and their instructor as part of a fun activity they enjoy just might.

Respect is given, respect is earned, respect makes it possible to have ‘arguments’ without having ‘fights’, respect means being able to read something on the Internet you disagree with and not responding with a personal attack of troll-like proportions.

And so help me if my child thinks he or she will grow up to be an internet troll.

Respect is taught and we took on responsibility to ensure we do our best that our child learns that lesson while in our care.

This is one way we can do that, and shaking hands with a smile after grappling on the ground with someone is a lesson worth teaching.


5. Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

Spiderman’s writers had a good point that with power comes responsibility.

It’s hard to teach responsibility without first empowering.

My kids have (hopefully?) learned techniques that could hurt someone else if they applied them.

If they used these techniques outside their gym in any but the most extenuating of circumstances, their instructor, Dh and I would have serious consequences for them.

Part of teaching children responsibility is empowering them and then teaching them the right and wrong way to use that power.

In taking them to Mixed Martial Arts we empower them to be strong, fit, disciplined and capable of putting up a fight.

And then we teach them when it is and is not appropriate to demonstrate those powers.

And it is the restraint, even more than the skill, that makes the warrior.

The world doesn’t need more children who are taught nothing but violence.

The world doesn’t need more unempowered children who will grow up never learning responsibility.

It doesn’t need more bullies, and it doesn’t need more victims.


It needs more warriors.

And stranger on the street, regardless of what you think, 

This is our way of raising three.

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