Why Kids Who Share Make My Heart Happy

As many of you may have read, this summer we are hosting a Belarusian child as part of the Canadian Aid for Chernobyl‘s Relief from Radiation program.

For 5 week our little 9 year old Dasha (I tried to think up a blog name for our little one but it seemed wrong to give a pet name to someone else’s child, and Dasha is already a nickname) will live with us, sharing a room with Drama and becoming a part of our family for 5 weeks.

Having a foster child who is expencing a dramatic culture shock and speaks very little English has proven a little difficult (who would’ve thought?).  I’ve so loved getting to know her and seeing her interact with our family and friends, but it certainly hasn’t been an easy 2 weeks this far.

Our kids have had a learning curve as well.  Drama, who usually has a room to herself, is sharing her tiny space with another.  For all of them, toys and time are now shared 4 ways instead of 3 and there can be a lot of pressure on them to ensure that Dasha feels included when they are with friends.  I have to remind myself that it’s not just our vacation time but theirs too, and while this is an amazing and positive experience for them, it’s also a challenge.

In fact, 6 months ago when we applied to be a volunteer host family, it was that challenge that was part of the appeal.

I want my kids to learn to share because joy comes from giving.

I know right now it’s popular to fill your news feed explaining why teaching your kids to share is the new bad parenting, but you know what?  Seeing my kids share makes my heart happy.

As grown adults, while it’s true that we never have to share what we have with anyone, that doesn’t mean we should teach our kids they shouldn’t. 

In fact, it’s because they don’t have to that is precisely why I hope they still will.

If my son was on the playground with a toy that’s his very own, he doesn’t have to share it with another child.  But when he sees that child looking at his toy longingly, nothing makes me smile more than when he goes over and offers to let him have a turn.

And if my daughter is sitting playing with her Rainbow Loom while in the waiting room and she sees another little girl who looks bored, I feel like I won a little as a parent when she asks that little girl if she’d like to make a bracelet, too.

I think they’ve learned through those times that I said ‘Yes, you do have to give Bobby a turn, let Suzie hold the doll, give James a chance to play’ and gave them the chance to see what shared happiness looks like when we share what we have with those around us.

Because I’d be thrilled if they grow into adults who offer to lend their weed whipper to their neighbour when they see theirs has broken.  Or who give up their seat on the bus. Who share a season’s ticket with someone who’s always wanted to see a game. Or who share their coffee money with the beggar on the street or their sandwich with the hungry co-worker who forgot their lunch. 
The kind of adults who share what they have not because they have to but because they want to.

So when we brought Dasha into our home, I was thrilled when my daughter never once made a peep about giving up the room of her own to cram in another bed and a new friend for the summer.
They don’t HAVE to share their toys, their video games, their rooms, their parent’s time, their trampoline.  But they have done it anyways, and they’ve loved it because she’s loved it.

So far, they’ve loved knowing they had things that make her happy, finding toys that she enjoys that make her smile even though she can’t speak their language.  They’ve experienced the overflowing heart that comes from giving, not keeping for themselves.  

And I can’t help but think that the best kind of world is one where we share what makes us happy with each other willingly and enjoy it together, not one where we’ve all been taught that we should keep hold of what is ours and enjoy it by ourselves.

My kids don’t always share willingly.  Just like all of us, they will sometimes fight to keep things for themselves.  And sometimes I let them, because we all have things that we are more attached to, bad days when care much less about others, and sometimes sharing just blows and we want to play by ourselves in a corner.  And that’s okay.

But that doesn’t change the overall lesson that sharing is a gift for the giver and the receiver.

I could have chosen to teach them that they have the right to hold on to things tightly, to enjoy those things alone and to keep them for as long as they want, only giving them up when they no longer interest them.

In fact, I did teach them they have that right, because sharing is a choice.

I also taught them that they are never entitled to what anyone else has.  That sharing is a gift they can chose to give but not one they can force others to. We are each fighting our own battles in life and it doesn’t work to expect others to make the same choices as we might. That’s not how life works.

But I hope that on top of that I taught them that joy does not come through keeping things only for ourselves, giving away only those things that have no value for you anymore.

I hope I taught them to experience the real joy that comes from sharing our happiness, by making friends through taking turns and sacrificing a little to share the fun.

Because life is more fun when you are not the only one enjoying yourself on the playground.

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