I’ve Always Hated That Bus

Today I felt the change in my face when you told me.

We were at the gym and you grabbed me on a quick second, I know you’d been waiting all day and this was the first time I had seen you since the morning.  You said ‘I’m going‘ and my eyes blinked and hardened.  I swallowed and I know my entire expression changed.  It changed to be expressionless, that was the entire design and my superpower.  The ability to remove expression and emotion and take in what I needed to hear without drama or fear.

I have a lot of practice with it.

*

Today as I walked out of my evening class my phone confirmed what I already knew.  We were going down this road for the 4th time.  I stared at it a while.  Someone behind me asked where you were.  They joked with me about how eager you were to get out and do your job.  I smiled and agreed that it was who you were, I joked that you were pretty lucky that I loved you enough to put up with it.  I was laughing when I got in the car.

When I pulled out of the parking lot I was already crying.

But only until I pulled onto our street so the kids wouldn’t see.

*

Today you prepared your uniform for the changes you would need while you are gone.  We went for coffee and I made you a list of what I need done before you left.  It’s all business of home improvements, Powers of Attorney and snow shovels.  This is the part I’m good at.

*

Today we told the kids.  Freckles put on a brave face through the tears and Drama was dramatic.    We prayed together.  Monster laughed about how he was the only kid not sad.  Autism is sometimes a really great way to lighten the mood.

*

Today I had enough with hurry up and wait.  We fought about everything that came up for the evening and I took out on you every single thing I realized I would have to do when you were away as though the leaves falling in autumn was entirely your fault.

I’m still not convinced it’s not.

I slept huddled on one side of the bed holding my body pillow.

I’m ready for you to go.  Now, preferably.  Just go. JUST GO.

It’s easier when you leave if I’m mad at you.

*

Today I watched you pack.  My living room was transformed in green.  I watched you write your blood type on your helmet out of habit.  It amazed me that in that ‘mess’ everything has a place in those boxes.  I want them out from underfoot.

And also I don’t.

*

Today I went into work with you today to do some paperwork.  Your boss pointed out how we’ll probably move soon after you return.
I made a sarcastic comment about how that was swell because I had been hoping to get the chance to list and sell a house on my own again.

We decided today maybe I shouldn’t be around your boss’ for a while.

*

Today I tried to outrun my feelings.  The good thing about how often I try to do that is it helps make up for the fact that I usually try to eat them.  Last night they tasted like Chardonnay and Tequila.  The run hurt.

*

Today I waited in the car while you packed your things in the back.  On the drive we prayed and then joked about how you always drive there but I always drive home because your driving skills when the time has passed frighten me.  We played the music on my phone because I just couldn’t with the news today.

After all the sentimental moments the last thing you did was jokingly yell ‘don’t get fat!’ as I pulled out, and I yelled back ‘too bad, my feelings already taste like donuts!’

We’ve done this a lot of times.

I didn’t cry.

Today I remembered I’ve always hated that bus.

*

Today I got up and cleaned everything.  I vacuumed all the furniture, washed the floors, did all the laundry and washed windows.  I’ve done the same thing every time before, there’s something cathartic about cleaning it away.

My living room looks empty and I can’t remember why I was so annoyed by all the green that had been here last week.

*

Today I got up and carried on.

And that’s what I’ll do tomorrow too.

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