Independence and Support

“So, who’s *your* support network?”

I was talking to another military spouse in church and after explaining the ways I had meddled got involved with the various services during this deployment to support other spouses, this wasn’t the question I was expecting.

At this stage in my life, I enjoy being the nosy overbearing support for other spouse’s.  I’ve spent more than my share of time being the one supported over the years.  I try to be the one to organize the events, to contact the lady on the message board who feels alone, to bring a meal or a babysitter or an ear to someone who’s struggling. 

I like ensuring that someone is getting their snow cleared or that there’s a regular coffee time for others to make new friends. 

These things make my heart happy.  They are why I run a Spouse’s Night Out group, why I drive onto base a couple times a week from my house 20 minutes away.
For the most part, they are why I run this blog.

“Who’s YOUR support network?”

Well, I don’t really need one, do I?  This is our 4th deployment. I mean, if there was an emergency I’m pretty loud empowered.  If I thought about it I know who I could call if I needed to.  I can make Christmas happen, I can plan an HLTA, I can attend school meetings and work a Power of Attorney and sell a house.

I know my acronyms and I can yell at deal with Brookfield.  I know when it’s free to send packages and I know how to manage our extended benefits.

“Who’s your support network?”

Last week I packed up my kids and drove 2 hours so that we could spend a hard day with people who might get it.  I sent a few emails, I said we’d be staying at a hotel by the cenotaph so that we could walk to the national Remembrance Day service because I was scared of driving downtown, and that I was hoping to meet up with some people that morning.

And the emails back said ‘you can stay with us’ and ‘we’ll get you there, don’t worry about it‘.  So I went.  And I did.  And I didn’t.

We heard almost none of the service, attended by 60 000 of our closest friends.  The kids and I saw mostly the backs of the people in front of us.

But that wasn’t really the point, as much as I had told myself it was.

The point was we weren’t there alone.

The point was my kids running in the grass at the Parliament building with other kids who understood.

The point was standing at the Afghanistan memorial in front of a soldier’s plaque side by side with someone who had stood next to me at his funeral while our husbands still fought.

 The point was heading home that afternoon and and having Dh’s
friend lean in the front seat while saying goodbye to check and make
sure my GPS was giving the right directions to take me home.

“Who is your support network?”

On the way home I thought of the weekend before when another military family came from out of town for last minute for coffee in my messy home. I entirely forgot to make the coffee while they were here and when I went up to my bedroom after they left, the bedroom I had sent him to change from his uniform, I found a pair of panties directly in the middle of the floor.

While we had sat and talked he said “So, when are we coming to paint this place before it hits the market?”

A month ago we drove to Montreal to be the moral support at a young man’s graduation from basic training.  After the parade we went to a military friend’s house for dinner and they said “What do you need a hand with while he’s gone?”

“Who is your support network?”

 It’s been those times that I’ve heard the words “It’s only 2/3/5 hours…”

I may not need my driveway shovelled, I can rake my own leaves if I have to.  I can buy my own Christmas presents and I can sell this house and buy a new one somewhere else if that’s what has to be done.

And I’ll spend this deployment enjoying the chance I have to be the support for those who need it, because that’s what makes me happy.

When I left Ottawa, Dh’s friend, like several of his other friends have in the past while, gave me a hug and said,  ‘If you need anything….” in that way few people can, the way that makes it an actual offer and not just a pleasantry.

I probably won’t.

Except that hug and that question. 
Sometimes, I’m going to need that.

Ducking into someone else’s care for a day when I just need a minute to recharge…

That’s my support network. 

And it’s really good at reminding me I’m not as independent as my pride tells me I am.
Thankfully, I don’t actually have to be.

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