I (Won’t Be) Home For Christmas

It’s been years since Dh and I were with our parents/siblings for Christmas Day.  At a past posting, we would see them sometime during the season, usually between Christmas and New Years, but Christmas Day was generally spent with just us, or with friends.

We could have driven the 4 hours or so and spent Christmas Day with them if we chose to, but we found the Christmas Day trip made Christmas hectic and cluttered, and we chose to instead stay home.

The last few years where we’ve been, parents are no longer a 4 hours drive but instead a 4 hour plane trip away.  We haven’t taken that trip home, partly for the cost of it ($4500 for the 5 of us to be somewhere else over the holidays just isn’t in the budget), but partly for the same reason we didn’t drive the 4 hours in year past.  We like our home, sitting in our bed Christmas morning opening stockings, making pancakes in our own kitchen, sitting under our own tree later passing out gifts.

I’m not big on days and traditions.  Some years we’ve put on a big dinner for friends and/or much loved military ‘stragglers’ without anywhere to be.
Other years we’ve brought pot luck to friends homes.

These last two years, we’ve gone to the movies and had Pogos for dinner.  So clearly, I’m pretty lazy laid back about Christmas.

This year, it will just be the kids and I over the holidays.  We have the opportunity to spend Boxing Day “Christmas” with more extended family who are only an hour or so away, which is amazing and loud and wonderful, but for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, it’s just us while Dh is deployed.

And we are not unique or special.  Many, many military families (and oilfield families, first responder families, and other families who have work related seperations, military families don’t have the monopoly on holidays apart) will be spending this Christmas Day missing one member of their family. Some will choose to go spend Christmas with their parents or siblings.  Others will choose to spend Christmas at home with their friends or just their children.

What I’ve found is people don’t really know what to do with that and many times I have been asked how you can support someone who is going to be missing their spouse over the holidays, so I thought I’d offer some suggestions of ways people have brightened my Christmas’ (Many of these would be helpful for those amazing single parents out there who do this every year, too!)

1. Christmas Shopping

If we have young kids, chances are we are trying to buy Christmas gifts with them in the cart.  I can say from experience, this is not easy.  If you are looking for an option to help out, Christmas shopping childcare or even a “I’m running to the mall, do you need me to grab anything?” might be very much appreciated.

2. Baking

We might be super craving sugar cookies or shortbread or fruitcake but don’t want to bake for just one of us.  It’s always a nice gesture to bring over some baking, and then discretely looking away in case we decide to pass it off as a gift to our neighbours as though we made it ourselves.  Either way, it was appreciated!

3.  Presents

You know what’s lame?  Stuffing your own stocking at Christmas so the kids can see you open it.
If you’re looking for a unique gift for a spouse on their own this year, consider a bag of wrapped, small, inexpensive stocking stuffers so she can have a little surprise of her own Christmas morning.

4. Presence

Giving presents/spending money isn’t what’s important. Maybe it’s a date for a coffee or a glass of wine or a mid morning playdate with kids or a run together or a phone call with no rush to hang up.  This is a holiday where we are going to hear people say without thinking ‘the important thing is being together’ and ‘the real joy of Christmas is family’.  And that’s going to sting even though it wasn’t meant to.  Having a friendly ear sometimes is all we need to keep moving.

5. Invitations (even if we decline)

We appreciate it so, so much. We know how meaningful it is to be invited to someone else’s Christmas dinner, chances are we’ve been the one who’s done the inviting in previous years.

We might just take you up on it.  But sometimes, no matter how great the company or the food, being with another family over Christmas makes it hard, it can be a reminder that we are the ones who are incomplete, or it can just be emotionally overwhelming.

So please, if you are thinking of inviting someone, just do it.  And I know it’s asking a lot to ask to be invited and then ask that you be okay when we decline.  Just know that sometimes it was the invitation that meant the most, even if we don’t make it to the dinner.

6. Remember together we make 2.

We aren’t the only ones struggling through this holiday.  Our spouse is far from home without his or her family.  Include him in your Christmas cards, ask about how she’s doing, we like to know we aren’t the only ones thinking of them.

These are some well meaning things that aren’t as helpful:

– Telling the family what you think they should have done
Chances are this spouse spent a lot of time agonizing on the best choices for how he or she spent Christmas without their partner.  And they are probably still feeling guilty over whatever they chose to do.  Point out the positives of what they are doing and reinforce they are doing the best they can, they probably need to be reminded.

– Assuming we are all the same.
Some families might want to be with their extended family but couldn’t afford the trip.  Some might be fine with how it’s worked out.  Some might put Christmas off until the member is back, and other celebrate the best they can.  We are all different, just like anyone else.

– Telling us that modern technology makes it ‘virtually the same’ as him being there.
We are really glad you feel like grandpa is right in the room with you when you Skype before Christmas dinner, but our little family will not be ‘basically together’ if Dh is able to video call.  It will be a blessing, don’t get me wrong, and one I don’t ever take for granted, but it won’t make Christmas the same. And never assume, because not all military members has access those luxuries while deployed.

– Being shocked/appauled/upset our spouse is gone.
I know people have the  best of intentions, but it can be frustrating having to answer the question “what do you mean he’s not sent home for the holidays?”  It is a reminder that so many in this country don’t ever put together the fact that this is a reality for military families every year, and that can sting a little.

– Blaming the Military
Sure, we badmouth them.  But like an obnoxious sibling, some of us just don’t like it when other people do.  Deep down, we know this is just the way it is, it’s not anyones ‘fault.’

– Giving Us Your Political Opinions
Do you know what you are saying when you tell us how useless you think a deployment  is?  You are saying our little sacrifice is worthless.  Especially right now, we need it to be worth something.

I know that 99% of the time, things are said with only the best of intentions, so I don’t mean to make anyone feel bad.  And in case it wasn’t abundantly clear, these are not expectations. Just some suggestions in case there’s a military family (or any family missing a piece of them) in your life and you’d like to support them this holiday.

When my 94 year old Grandpa asked me if Dh would be home before Christmas, I said ‘not this year’.  
At first, he said…. “oh dear, that’s not good.”

And then, after a moment, he said “Huh, I guess during the war I missed 4 Christmas’ in a row.”

Isn’t perspective humbling?  No one was hoping for a video call in 1944.

When talking to a friend this week I heard Freckles answer when they asked about his dad coming home for the holidays.

He said “every year we are safe at Christmas because there are people away from home protecting us.  This year, it’s dad’s turn to be one of those people, so we can miss him this time for that.”

It IS his turn.  And our turn to miss him. We understand why and we’re not going to pretend it doesn’t suck, but we are proud and we are stronger for it. We’ve got this. And we so appreciate all those friends out there that have meant we never feel alone.

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