How NOT to Plan for Mid-Deployment Leave

 

So with Dh coming up on his HLTA in the next month or so, we are reflecting on past leave experiences and I thought I’d share a bit  on  how to make your very on HLTA a disaster.

Because here at She Is Fierce I like to be encouraging… or at least be a shining example of what not to do.

This is Dh’s 4th deployment but his first did not have a home leave, so this is our 3rd HLTA. (By the way, that ridiculous acronym is brought to you by Home Leave Travel Allowance, and is just an armyese way of saying his mid – deployment vacation.) I can’t speak for Air Force or Navy but most (not all) Army deployment have a 16 day HLTA anywhere from 6 weeks in to 6 week before the end, depending on which rotation they get.  

You would think it would be all sunshine and rainbows.  I mean, you haven’t seen them in a long time and your being given approximately 2 weeks to spend ‘relaxing’ right? Everything will look like a thousand YouTube videos of cammo hugs and rainbow unicorn kittens….

Ya.

You COULD keep assuming that.  Or learn from our mistakes:

1. Raise Your Expectations 

     He’s going to get off that plane and you’ll jump in his arms.  You’ll instantly love being around him 24/7. Your children will be on their best possible behavior, everyone will get along and he will immediately and completely readjust to life at home.  

    Maybe. 

     Or maybe the first hug will be awkward.   The kids will be scared or angry with him for being away. One of you wants to jump into bed and the other isn’t ready to be intimate. Depending on his deployment he may not readjust at all in those 2 weeks and you’ll wake up to him sleeping on the floor or searching news reports.  His heart may stay deployed the entire time. 

Instead: Expect strain.  All those things they tell you about reintegration? Remember they still apply. You might need time.  You maybe never get completely reconnected in 2 weeks. If you have kids,  “Disneyland Dad” may be the be the most fun guy with them but you may have to keep being the ‘bad guy,’ especially when he goes back and you have to pick up the pieces.  Again. 

     You have to get to see every family member and friend, right? Your dad’s cousin’s brother will be insulted if you don’t say hi.  Also you need photos and trips and every moment should be filled with family bonding.  No time to waste, let’s go! 

   Or maybe she’s jet lagged.  She doesn’t want to spend a day at the mall during Christmas rush two days after living in a war zone.  She has nothing to say to your cousin or maybe not even to her best friend.  She wants a nap or she wants to play video games and watch movies on the couch and no she doesn’t feel like driving 16 hours. And maybe neither do you.  

Instead: take it as it comes. Family and friends need to understand it’s not about them. Let the returning member make some of the plans and warn people you might just flake out of them.  It’s not a competition of how much fun you can have.  Just relax. 

     The house isn’t going to sell itself! That baby room needs finishing! Winter/spring/life is coming, let’s prepare while you’re here to help! 

    Or not.  Is that how you really want to remember your time together?  He or she might resent being made to work 24/7 on their time off, or they might bury themselves in work and you’ll feel like you didn’t enjoy their time with you. 

Instead: Maybe you need to hide the tools for a couple of days and let him off the hook from what he feels compelled to help with.  Or realize that if he isn’t helping it could be because he’s not really home yet, not because he doesn’t care.  Sometimes life has to happen but a lot of the time even when we think it can’t, it can wait.  

     That’s what we are suppose to do, right? Just talk.  If the returning soldier has been in combat, make them share everything that’s happened. In detail. Get it all out.  It will feel better, I’M A SOCIAL WORKER AND TALKING WILL HELP DAMMIT!’ 

     Or it will feel worse.  Much worse.  They still have to return, remember.  And sometimes coping is not letting all that out just yet.  And for you at home, sometime coping is not knowing it all yet.  Trust me.  That second goodbye is so much harder than the first one.  Knowing every detail they didn’t want to tell you about what they are going back to is not going to make things easier.  

Instead: Let them guide conversation at their comfort level.  If you see signs of serious issues that could point to PTSD (excessive alcohol use or drug use, dangerous violent behavior, suicidal thoughts or speech..  Remember they WILL seem off, they are still in the middle of their war.  If you are not sure if there’s something serious wrong, ask someone confidentially), seek the advice of a professional.  Otherwise, let the member decide what he or she needs to share. 

    In 2007 Dh came back from Afghanistan and 20 hours later I had a baby.  2 weeks later he left.  We had all our family visit. It was Christmas time. I made him share more than he wanted (and still far less than I thought he should).  We finished the baby room.

   And I expected all this to happen seamlessly while singing kumbaya.

   His nightmares kept me awake, except for those times I fell asleep and he woke me up trying to find his rifle.  There’s no intimacy with a newborn in between you in bed.  I didn’t want to be touched by anyone.  He didn’t want to be the one to get angry with the kids. The kids didn’t know what to do with him.  Our home was a constant hub of activity and visitors that kept him on edge.  After forcing him to tell me what happened while he was away, I waited until I heard him sleeping and closed myself in the bathroom, sat on the bathmat and realized through my tears how badly I wish I could go back to when I didn’t know.  I was more angry with him than sad when he left because there were 3 kids in the car when I dropped him off, many months still to go and nothing had gone how I expected.  Which is ridiculous because it hadn’t been our first time and I should have known better.  

It’s no secret I think HLTA is dumb.  While short of another option I think it’s a necessary evil, and it can lend itself as well to some pretty amazing opportunities (a 3rd location vacation, a chance for the member to be there for a birth, etc) it’s not all roses.  We spend so much time teaching reintegration and then we say “Oh, HLTA?  Nah, you’ll just be happy to see each other. Everything goes fine for HLTA, no reintegration required.”  

Bullshit. 

It can be a painful process that disrupts kid’s routines and makes that 2nd goodbye so much worse.  I’m tired of pretending it’s always a happy idea just because you get to see them. 

This time I told Dh he wasn’t coming home.  We tossed around several ideas and eventually after talking with our kids decided I would go meet him somewhere else for his leave without them and we’d save the family time for when it’s all over.  They agreed they’d like a vacation more if it wasn’t clouded by the knowledge he was leaving again when it was over.  I agreed I couldn’t do another readjustment for them. He agreed he could wait, though sometimes I forget they are his kids, too, and it’s hard for him not to see them. 

Is that the right choice? It is for us, where we are at.  Ask me again when I get back, but right now it seems pretty darn amazing.  But that’s us, right now.  It might not be the best option for you where you are at.

Regardless of what you decide when it comes up for you, friends, just heed my words: 

Order it all on Amazon and get express delivery. 

Trust me. 

(Thanks to military spouses Kylie H and Karen S., as well as Kristen from If the Saddle Fits for sharing some of their ideas for this article!)