Military marriages, kittens and coyotes

Many years ago I stood with a few other spouses and I watched the bus drive off with our husbands for a combat deployment.  I wasn’t naive as they thought, I had heard the whispers and rumors. Dh and I were 20, married less than a year.  I was pregnant.  He had no idea when he was coming back.
Combine this with the reality that I was married to a soldier and everyone knows military marriages never end well… no one thought we had a chance.

And when he came home that time, more than half a year later, dusty, battle worn and a whole lot more grown up,  if not much older, than he had been when he left, we did struggle.  We hurt each other.  We had a baby and new home and we tried for a while but then we stopped trying because it was hard and we thought it would be easy.
Somewhere in there he brought up the idea of leaving for selection for another unit and I told him he was welcome to do it.  Single.

We struggled, but somehow and by the grace of God, by the next tour I was still there.

But the hard truth is that when I was saying goodbye that second time, those other wives I had stood with before?  They weren’t there anymore.
Their loss was weirdly hard for me, like it represented a collective failure of our community, an omen, an eventuality.
And now after more than 16 years and 4 deployments, I can almost count on one hand the spouses I knew then that are still around now.

Dh and I, we have no magic in us. There’s plenty of couples who are the same, some of whom stand with 30 or more years behind them, stronger than I can imagine.
But some days, it can seem that those couples are few and far between.
Other days?  Hard days? It can seem like they are just a mirage I keep looking towards to convince myself it can be done.

Last month I was at a Squadron party.  While I stood there and I realized both that I’d been going to these parties since I was 18, and also that I was really, really not 18 anymore,  someone around me starting talking about a couple that had recently split.

He said “I just don’t know… I didn’t see it coming”

“No offense,” I said “your guys wives are great and I love meeting them. And some I’m still friends with, regardless of how it worked out. But…
When I was a kid we used to adopt these cats. But the thing is, we lived really close to a pack of coyotes and the cats would wander over the fence. So eventually you got less attached to the cats because very few made it very long… After 16 years it’s gotten harder to get attached to your wives and girlfriends.”

So I see you there, looking over the fence.  You don’t want to leave, necessarily, but you are ready to open that gate because it hurts and you just want to step outside to breathe before you think about going back.
But I promise you friends, that gate is so much harder to open from the other side.

As a friend in your corner, one who has her own fence and her own fight, her own bruises and scars and many, many mistakes, the best I can give you is what I’ve learned so far.

1. Build your fence.
   Stop blaming the Army for your relationship failures.  Or the Navy, Air Force, whatever.  This is your relationship, and there may be specific challenges that make it incredibly hard, but it’s yours and no one else’s to make work.
   Stop blaming your husband for the army.  If you both decide this isn’t for you, he needs to end his contract and move on.  But if this is his job and he’s going to do it, then no good comes from blaming him for every missed date, every duty, every posting or every deployment.Concentrate on what is in your control and work on that.A strong fence is one you build together, one you are willing to defend.
2. Make your side of that fence worth fighting for.
   Remember happy?  If your spouse is home, remember each other.  Maybe it’s regular planned date nights, I’m a big fan of those.  Find a sitter you trust if needed and make it happen.  If you can’t, wait until bedtime, light some candles, set a table and talk.  Or don’t talk.  Whatever you gotta do, baby.
   If your spouse is away, find a way to incorporate them into your activities.  I write a quick note or long letter, depending on the day, every night.  Sometimes it tells him what I did all day, sometimes it is 3 words. But it helps ground me in that I’m not in this alone, even when we couldn’t talk for weeks.

   There is a difference between being independent enough to get by without him when he’s gone, and acting single.  It’s not just about fidelity.  It’s also about keeping him on your mind when you make decisions, when you look to the future, when you plan and when you work. Maybe there’s a fight inside the fence that has lasted more rounds than you can remember and every time that bell rings, you’re both already in stance, ready to deck it out.  Someone has to put down their arms first.  Maybe for a few rounds, be the one who is willing to let things go, even if they’re wrong.  Be the one who puts out the olive branch, makes a bed, cleans a kitchen, pays a compliment.  The cycle of anger and blame has to stop with someone or you’ll drown in it, and it’s the only way you both come out a winner.

   This also includes finding YOU.  You’re in there.  Maybe you need a regular night out on your own.  A hobby that fulfills you.  A career you’re proud of.  Maybe it’s fitness classes or photography or whatever it is. There are two people defending this marriage and they are stronger together when they know who they are on their own. It takes effort to make a relationship so good you are willing to build an OP and stay up all night on watch to keep it safe.  But put that effort in and you won’t even notice those sleepless nights on sentry, because it will be worth it.

3. It’s okay you’re tired.
   Put down the cape, you’re not superwoman.  Use your voice.  When I wrote this post on my own post-deployment scars I received more than a few comments in my inbox that said “I leave again next month. My wife hasn’t said it’s a problem, but I also haven’t asked.  Maybe I should.”
   We can do more than we think, but part of that is knowing when we need to say uncle and accepting the help before we’re walking out of the arena and over that fence for good.

   In Canada, we have a variety of resources at our disposal.  Military families have health insurance that covers some of private counselling.  We also have the Member Assistance Program with free counselling and the Family Information Line for referrals.  Both are 24/7/365.  The member also has access to individual and couple therapy.  It’s not a crutch or a weakness, it’s building strength.

4. It’s not going to get easier.
   How’s that for motivation?
   The truth is, it’s always going to take work.  Some days, weeks, months.. they are always going to suck.  Your spouse will consistently do things on occasion that will be douchy.  You will consistently do things on occasion that will be douchy.  The military will keep being the military.
   But you do learn.  You learn to clean the kitchen when your mad to help the mood lift when it’s time to talk.  You learn to put the gloves down. You learn to have great make up sex. Mostly, you learn that it IS possible to end the fight when you are both the winner and save your strength to take on the world.
   Military included.

   Don’t tap out just yet.

   I see you.

   You got this.

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