Pre-Deployment and the Clone A Willy

posted on : January 23, 2020 posted by : reccewife 0 Comment

Yes, you heard that right. So to start, let’s get it out of the way that while there’s nothing explicit on this page, it’s still geared to 18+. Continue at your own risk.

I get a lot of emails from companies looking to have me promote their products. Some emails are particularly bad

“Dear, Mrs. Fiarce, after reading your website I know your readers would love to know more about our criminal pardon service….”

Most are pretty standard, a lot are for only for Americans, the majority have never actually read a word on the site…. in the end, because I have never had a monetized site (I don’t make any money if people click on this blog) I have never done sponsored or paid ads so I never click on those emails.

Then this fall, I got an email from a company called “Clone A Willy“.

They got my attention.

And the more I read their pitch, the more I laughed, and justified that this would be a hilarious part of a pre-deployment tool box, so to speak, so I emailed them back and actually took them up on their offer to receive a complimentary box of products.

You guys.

They were crazy fun to deal with, they had my items to me really quickly even with a mistake on my end that meant they had to ship twice, and I ended up the proud owner of a Clone a Willy kit, a Clone a Pussy kit, and a bunch of hilarious swag. I’ll be giving that away over on the She is Fierce FB community group.

Now when these arrived, my family was knee deep in pre-deployment mode. Dh came home one day exhausted as he had been for weeks, and I heard him from the bedroom when he noticed the box I had thrown on the floor of the closet in a rush between appointments.

This ruined any plans I had to break the news to him gently.

“Kim…….”

Look, Dh puts up with a lot. He puts up with this page. The writing. The forced photo taking. The times he meets new bosses only for them to point out they have seen him on the internet already.

His patience is pretty astounding.

So when I walked into the bedroom and he’s holding a tube with a Clone A Willy kit inside and a murderous look in his face, I immediately calmed him by pointing out I would not be photographing this experience for the internet.

Obviously.

That…helped.
I mean, we needed the laugh by then anyways. Pre-deployment was kicking ~~our~~ my ass. There was a lot of frustration and not enough using ~~our~~ my words. His brain was busy half a world away. Mine was somehow convincing me no matter what, we weren’t doing enough with the time we had.

Life got busy, and we found ourselves in the final nights when I realized I needed to scramble to get these done before my time was out.

Once the kids were in bed, I pulled out my reading glasses and all my grade eleven science for kids who can’t science, and read the instructions. By the time we got to the end, we had silicone on the carpet, bits of white mold everywhere, and tears of laughter.

It’s not as hard as it sounds (pun intended). Some answers to questions I received on the page when I started this:

Q: What exactly is the Clone a Pussy cloning? That seems…dangerous.

A: It’s just the external bits. Basically, it’s a form of the vulva (labia majora and labia minora). The product comes with a masturbation sleeve that the final clone sits on top of. Bottom line, for the finished product your partner gets a clone of what your outside parts look like, on the top of a generic (high quality, from my limited masturbation sleeve knowledge) toy.

This stock photo is much better than the image of me on the side of the tub in a hoodie, naked from the waist down with a foot on the toilet.

Q: Is this a yeast infection waiting to happen?

A: The ingredients in the molding solution are body safe. I had no issues, but you can always review the ingredients and then do a patch test to be sure you don’t have a reaction.

Q: What about different sizes and shapes?

A: There are video and written instructions for adjusting the kit to accommodate curves in the penis. The tube for the mold is very big and is adjusted to accommodate all sizes. If your partner doesn’t fit the tube at it’s biggest, well, I feel like you’ve both had enough go right for you so far. You don’t need this.

For women, you’re good. This mold fits over top of your bits and will immortalize whatever beautiful sizes and shapes you have going on.

Q: How long (Pun intended, I can do this all day) does the penis need to keep its best shape for?

A: 60-90 seconds. A partner is always a bonus for this part. Consider brushing up on your sexy moves. Watch some Demi Moore in Striptease for ideas. If you’re like me, you will look a lot more like Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies. It will likely still be effective.

Also, I just looked up both those movies and they’re 25 years old.
Sigh.

The real challenge will be to make sure your partner stays ready to go even while you’re whisper-shouting through the whole temperature/mixing/trying to get it in place before it’s too late to set process.

Consider earbuds with some gentle music.

Q: Are other skin tones available?

A: They sure are. Also pink, purple, green, blue, and glow in the dark.
We got pink. I prefer my toys to not look like creepy dismembered body parts, but that’s just me.

Also available with vibrators. Because… I mean, that shouldn’t need an explanations. That’s one of those things that if you can, you definitely should.

Q: How are you still married?

A: No idea, my friends. But he is pretty spectacular.

Some notable points from the experience:

1. The Clone a Willy seemed to be more difficult, to us, anyways. There was more room for error, and I think my mixing and timing was off. It was also hard to keep anything from touching the side of the tube while it set. Next time, I’d keep everything in the bathroom even if it is tiny (the bathroom, not… you know..) instead of trying to get it from there to the bedroom. Ours didn’t set properly and so the final product didn’t work. You can order extra molding ingredients separately if you need to try again.
2. Lets talk grooming. I was worried that mine would require a level of grooming I didn’t have time to care about. This was not the case, however, The mold will not stick and works around any hair or lack thereof. No last minute Brazilians required, a bonus especially if you are doing this after your partner has left and reverted to winter mode for your personal hygiene.
3. This process takes a couple days. So if you’re in pre-deployment and your partner is hoping to take this with them, you’ll need to get it started a few days in advance. (Goes without saying that you should always be checking the rules around prohibited items before mailing anything to your spouse).
4. Don’t use your fancy kitchen measuring cups. That silicon will not come off as easy as you think. This is not a mess you want to explain to your children.
5. Have fun. Why not?

Here’s the deal, friends. Pre-deployment sucks. This was our 5th time at it and it still sucked. There’s no avoiding the overall frustrated, hurt and emotional mess that the time between the first warning and the bus pulling away can look like.

We make plans for lots of things. We plan for our vehicle maintenance, for Power of Attorney. We plan for motorcycle storage, for lawn care, for missed first days of school and missed graduations and for signing dental claims.

Sometimes, it’s harder still. We plan for worst case scenarios, for uniforms at the door. We think through a lot of ‘what if.’

It can be stressful, scary, frustrating, and emotional.

And in all that, the intimacy of our relationships can be pushed aside.

I changed my mind a lot on writing this post because I don’t know how it will sit among the words I’ve written about war and reintegration and community. Maybe it’s too far, or not what my readers are hoping for from me.

I’m no sex and relationship expert, I just write funny things about army life on the internet.

In the end I decided to go ahead with it mainly because all of this opened a discussion that was a little lighthearted in a time of stress, but also necessary, too. We are taught to talk to our partners about emergency childcare and snow removal, but opening up to each other about what intimacy will look like during absence and how you each individually will process the loss of the physical aspect of your relationship is also valuable.

And if a night of hysterical laughter while you try and make silicone molds of your bits is what it takes to break that ice, then go for it, friends. They will even give you 20% off with the code FIERCE.

Have fun!