Occasionally when I look around at Dh’s comrades when they are out together, I realize that for some of them, apart from the military they have nothing in common. It’s really true, for many of them there is an age difference, sometimes of 10 or more years. Differences in family situations, some married with kids, some divorced without, everything in between. They have diverse interests, everything from Warhammer and MMORPGs to hunting and camping for days without electronics. Different faiths, different choices, different opinions. Their personalities can occasionally clash pretty loudly. I mean, there’s even Toronto Maple Leaf fans mixed in with Bruins fans and no one understands the Roughrider fans. The truth is, for many of those relationships the only common factor is their time served together. That bond is even stronger when you throw in some time in a tent in Kabul, or a FOB in Kandahar. Or both. One of the most amazing things to me about the military is that those experiences together can be all that’s needed. Especially among combat troops, they overshadow the differences and cement relationships stronger than any other simply by the fact that they’ve experienced a time when they counted on each other for survival. Now that I think of it, that’s not simple at all. But it’s amazing to watch from the outside. It’s also, I think, why in the military community it’s more common to hear the word brother than friend. Brother implies family. You don’t choose your family, they are chosen for you. You might not even like you family, but you don’t always have to. You are still there for family, anytime they call…
The following is a loose transcript of the 2nd half of my key note speech at this year’s Military Family Services conference. I’m so grateful for the opportunity I had to share at the conference and hope that it was even a little successful in what I set out to do, which was only share a story in the hopes it would get people thinking. I’m just one family and have only my own voice. Thanks so much for letting it be heard. After sharing my story, I think it’s important that we first understand that I am coming from just one family. We are not special; there are thousands just like us out there. But we all come from slightly different perspectives. The Canadian Forces has many different trades, jobs and postings that will all lend itself to very different experiences. Each military unit has its own unique culture. And each family within it, their own story. Blended families. Dual services families. Same sex partnerships, families with or without children. We can run the gamut of religious, political and social diversity. Looking at us all, what then is our goal? Are we looking for temporary fixes or long term resiliency? Are we giving tools or band aids? If we are, in fact, trying to teach families resiliency, how do we do that? Well, I can say that in our story, I know what didn’t work. There were times that I received more services than others. One deployment, I even received help from the Regiment by the way of a driver to take me to appointments that I was unable to drive to for medical reasons. Which was amazing, and needed at the time as we were new and I…
Today I had planned to post something funny about deployment checklists. Then yesterday, my Facebook feed changed. And Regimental crests with black bands replaced profile pictures as the tributes started. There were meet ups for drinks and quiet beers at homes and bars across the country where glasses clinked and memories spilled into the silence. Where soldiers sat and processed what it feels like when the goodbye comes suddenly and long after the firefight. I came home late from work and Dh had our dehumidifier in pieces on the counter, focused purposely intently on the job in front of him. I walked up silently and hugged him and he shrugged away. “not until the kids are in bed.” When the house was quiet we opened a couple drinks and sat on the couch, giving a wordless toast in front of mindless TV that served as a distraction from all the “if only I…” This isn’t the first time. There’s a lot of yellow ribbons out there. Far more so when we are fighting, even among those who argue the latest wars there are few who would say they don’t support our troops. Since the beginning of the war in 2002, more Canadian Forces personnel have died at their own hand than were killed in combat. We are quick to respond to the death of those in the line duty -whether they be military, police, firefighters, paramedics, etc – with pretty ribbons on our cars and our clothes and our social media. And that’s sometimes the best way we can see in grief to show our loss is felt. I challenge myself and anyone else to put our money where our ribbons are. And our time. And…
Christmas. I love Christmas. I love the spirit of the year, the extra kindness people bestow on each other regardless of their religious affiliation. I love the atmosphere of stores and the overall happiness of the time of year. But increasingly, I’ve noticed something else that comes out at Christmastime. It seems that more and more, Christmas is the most entitled time of the year. Whether it’s free Christmas gifts or parties or events or childcare, within the military community when it comes to what is offered, it never seems to be enough. I’m not talking about business’ offering discounts or free items to military families. While I feel uncomfortable and unworthy most times people want to give me something like that, I recognize that a gift is a gift and many times it’s at the benefit of the person offering it. If someone wants to show their appreciation in that way, while I don’t always think it’s deserved, I do believe in honouring their generosity. What I am referring to, though, is the services provided to military families through the various agencies who are mandated to provide those services. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, as I’ve seen people with sometimes completely valid and sometimes unbelievably entitled arguments on both sides of the issue of what they deserve, and I’ve realized something. Free things don’t neccesarily build resiliency. Resiliency is built in a strong and supportive community. One that knows and looks out for each other. One who’s members know when to admit they need help and have people they can ask. Resiliency is found in communities that are…
“So, who’s *your* support network?” I was talking to another military spouse in church and after explaining the ways I had meddled got involved with the various services during this deployment to support other spouses, this wasn’t the question I was expecting. At this stage in my life, I enjoy being the nosy overbearing support for other spouse’s. I’ve spent more than my share of time being the one supported over the years. I try to be the one to organize the events, to contact the lady on the message board who feels alone, to bring a meal or a babysitter or an ear to someone who’s struggling. I like ensuring that someone is getting their snow cleared or that there’s a regular coffee time for others to make new friends. These things make my heart happy. They are why I run a Spouse’s Night Out group, why I drive onto base a couple times a week from my house 20 minutes away. For the most part, they are why I run this blog. “Who’s YOUR support network?” Well, I don’t really need one, do I? This is our 4th deployment. I mean, if there was an emergency I’m pretty loud empowered. If I thought about it I know who I could call if I needed to. I can make Christmas happen, I can plan an HLTA, I can attend school meetings and work a Power of Attorney and sell a house. I know my acronyms and I can yell at deal with Brookfield. I know when it’s free to send packages and I know…
I’ve written a lot of things about Remembrance Day. So have many other people, and we all have opinions. Whether it`s to make it a Stat holiday, to stop people from decorating for Christmas or it`s about how or when it`s okay to wear a poppy, there`s a lot of talk about how it should be observed. And never without controversy. We all know there`s that ONE STORE every year who says or does something offensive to those selling poppies. Whether it`s Target or Cabelas or whatever other store of the week, there`s a focus, new battle line drawn every year. Everyone has a different opinion. Even among veterans. I know a WWII vet who likes to decorate for Christmas as soon as possible. Even before Halloween if he could But I know there are others who feel like it should wait until the 12th. Then there are those who feel strongly that the 11th should be a holiday so that families can mark the day at ceremonies together, while the flip side is the concern that it will be just that, a ‘holiday’ and people won’t bother teaching their kids by taking them to a ceremony. My Dh is very insistent that a poppy not be worn after the ceremony on November 11th. Tradition says that it is left at the cenotaph and to him, it is symbolic of taking that torch and moving forward as opposed to mourning forever. But I’ve met vets who would wear one all year long. It’s dangerous to speak for veterans or the military community because it makes the assumption they all are of the same opinion. And like any community, that is rarely the case…
